Stone Age Sex Capades by Myra Nour
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
Yet Another Woodcock and Bull Story
Doctor Rodney Woodcock, M.D. (known to his patients as Doctor Rod) started to tire of day to day practice at his Hollywood Clinic 12 months ago.
Since then he's been looking for a new direction and he believes he might have found one.
It's not that he's unhappy with the money or the patients. He knows he’s been lucky in his chosen profession. He’s already made a number of fortunes in his 45 years, prescribing drugs of choice to the stars, celebrity look-alike cosmetic surgery for their audiences.
He wasn’t the first to build a multi-million dollar business that satisfied these needs, but he was the best.
Still, the money he’s made out of these specialities could be tiny compared with the success he foresees in an area he himself has pioneered, professionally, personally and confidentially: body double genital sculpting.
The beautiful thing is, it's a logical fit for his existing practice.
Now he's almost ready to go public.
He looks at the draft brochure his wife and business partner, Doctor Wendy Bull, has commissioned.
“Not happy with the way your tits and dicks look? Want your private parts to be more photogenic? Witness something during a wardrobe malfunction you’d like to mimic? See an actor who's got something you want? Why should the stars get all the best parts? Now, you can have them, too. Call us to hear how the Woodcock and Bull Story can re-write the script for the next act in your lives. Then choose one of our industry-leading, medically proven photogenital techniques to achieve your dream facade.”
“I don’t know, Wendy, something doesn’t look right.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Well, ‘tits and dicks’, for instance. Shouldn’t it be ‘tits or dicks’? No one patient could have both tits and dicks, could they?”
“Well, not as much as the eighties and it's always been less common on the West Coast, but I see what you mean.” She crosses out “and” with her blue pen and inserts “or”.
Then she looks at him and ventures, “Are you sure this is what you really want to do? Isn’t it time we gave back something to the people who’ve made us so frigging rich?” *
“Who do you mean?” Doctor Rod knows his wife hasn't been totally happy lately as well. "Why would we want to give them anything they haven't paid for?"
“Well, what about people who are beyond surgery, people who would benefit from therapy, patients whose systems are so clogged with chemicals and additives and bi-products they can barely lift themselves on or off the sex partner of their choice. Men whose arteries are so hardened they have a permanent stiffy**, but not in their pants. Can’t we do something to relieve their pain? Or at least manage it? Or keep them distracted?”
“You mean, can’t we make money out of them some other way? If only we could figure out how to make money, without having them come to the Clinic. Maybe you could write a book or something.”
“You can see right through me, Rodney, you should have been a radiologist.”
“Ha ha, well I thought you were going to investigate a few ideas at the Faculty Library. How did you go with the Arterioschlerotic Literature?”
“Nothing suitable, let alone erotic.I did come up with an idea though. I found a paper that might interest you...sex for the elderly wine connoisseur...before and after kidney stones.”
“You’re kidding me?”
“Well, actually, it was called ‘Non-Surgical Strategies to Help the Sex-Challenged Couple Manage Kidney Stone Afflictions’.”
“You think you could make something out of that?"
"I don’t know, I thought I could re-purpose it somehow. Maybe even fictionalize it. Elderly...rich...business entrepreneur...wine connoisseur... expatriate Australian mistress...fast cars...penthouses...international business trips...second wife dies unexpectedly...kidney stones...erectile dysfunction...Hollywood doctor...miracle cure...step-son finds out about mistress...mistress meets Hollywood doctor...step-son falls in love with mistress...Hollywood doctor falls in love with stepson..."
"Aren't you the creative one!”
“Yeah, I haven't worked out how to finish it yet, but I figure there has to be a market for medicorotica, especially in this town."
"You wouldn’t want to do it under your name though."
"I think I’d have to change the title, too. Something a little less technical, obviously.”
“Oh yeah, what were you thinking of?”
...Six months later...
"Rodney, would you mind looking at the mock-up of the cover? Something doesn’t look right.”
"Well, see his right bicep? If you didn't realise it was a bicep..."
Wendy's eyes light up, "It might look like a breast, his right breast..."
"...and that might be a cleavage, which must mean..."
"...the woman is fondling the guy's left tit?"
"I still think it works," Rodney is encouraging. "They're quite nice tits for a guy."
"I just hope he's not one of your patients."
"Here, show me...I'd better have a closer look."
Before handing the artwork to Rodney, Wendy checks the mock up of the back cover. "Well, at least he's only got one dick."
* Wendy is a posh expatriate Australian who doesn't say "fuckin' rich".
** Wendy is a posh expatriate Australian who reverted to saying "stiffy" instead of "hard-on", when she found a new Australian cafe in L.A that served espressos and flat whites.
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